Honestly, my life has always been, and continues to be, very difficult. I had a horrific childhood and was abused by my father in every conceivable way. I've had an adulthood full of one relationship after another, with every single one that meant anything to me ending, most often, without even saying goodbye, leaving me to feel even more worthless than I already had. Of course, I understand the reason I had those types of relationships is because I never felt anyone could love me in the first place, and the only men I ever thought I had a chance with were losers. And then there's the fact that I have two children who I damaged terribly, so much so that my son is an extremely unlikable man who is capable of being abusive, and my daughter is like me, with one man after another leaving her. It is one thing to know no one will ever love me, but completely another, and far more terrifying, to know your children will never be loved either. I am disabled with fibromyalgia, a pain disorder that leaves me in crippling pain for no reason, and for which I have to take pain medications that scare the shit out of me. I am also disabled due to PTSD, and live in constant fear/anxiety that, had anyone tried to explain to me before I experienced it, I would have dismissed as not really as bad as it is. Just like my sister, my brothers, and every other person in my life has dismissed. And yes, it really is as bad as I say.
The only thing that has helped me cope the last few years is paper crafting. Once I discovered it, it was like a miracle, for I was able to get outside of my head doing something I enjoyed immensely. But, lately, I feel like I've reached a plateau, and every card has begun to like the same. So, I decided to venture out and try my hand at art journaling, both as a new paper crafting medium, but also to see if it could be cathartic given my life is so difficult.
Well, the first two months of this were a disaster. I could not make anything that didn't look like a three-year-old threw it together. In addition, I felt like it was making me feel worse emotionally, than better. But, then I discovered stencils, and FINALLY, I made something I actually like. No, LOVE. I absolutely fucking LOVE this piece.
Anyone familiar with art journaling will recognize the style I've used, and I realize it's not very original. And I do sort of feel like I'm cheating by using the stencils, but honestly, a big part of my problem is that I cannot draw worth shit, and yet I wanted drawing to be part of the page. So, if using stencils is cheating, I'm good with it.
I want to add some writing to the page, but am afraid to touch it! I actually think I'm very good at backgrounds, and have made quite a few beautiful ones only to ruin them when I write on the page. The theme is "It does not matter whether I am outside looking in or inside looking out. All the vibrant, thriving kaleidoscope of life is wherever I am not." But, like I said, I'm afraid to ruin the page. That's because though I am quite good at making backgrounds, I keep ruining them once it comes to adding a focal point, be it written or drawn. So, I'm going to let this one set a while until I am comfortable adding the writing. Or, maybe I'll just let it speak for itself without it. Hmmmm. . . .
I'm not entering this in any challenges, and I realize no one is even going to see this. I'm good with that. I just wanted to put it out there because I really am very proud of it. So, if you do happen to see this, and slodge through this entire "poor poor pitiful me," entry, I give you my sincere and heartfelt thanks. I know reading stuff like this is a turn-off, but along with deciding to journal, I've decided I am going to start telling my truth, and nothing but my truth. If people judge me for that, as does those in my real life, fuck 'em.
